


Say you were made to be mine

by dolphina



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Homophobia, M/M, Nik's family is the worst, Soulmate AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:26:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21574108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dolphina/pseuds/dolphina
Summary: For as long as he can remember, Elias has looked forward to the day he meets his soulmate. He always believed that no one fortunate enough to have a soulmate would choose not to be with them.Nikolay spend his childhood clinging to the hope and promise of someday meeting his soulmate. Then when he finally does, the difficult circumstances they find themselves in makes him wish otherwise. Can he risk losing his family and his home country for his soulmate?
Relationships: Nikolay Goldobin/Elias Pettersson
Comments: 21
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title is from Rewrite the Stars. I only listened to it about a thousand times while writing this. 
> 
> The childhood trauma I mentioned in the tags is that Nik's parents were abusive. It's talked about throughout the story, so if that's upsetting for you please don't read this. 
> 
> I have almost finished writing the story but I wanted to post this as a celebration of Goldy finally getting called up!

Training camp is an intense and often nerve-wracking time for Elias. This year, the expectations and pressure on him are at an all time high. Despite the nerves, he mostly feels ready, and even excited when he gets a long enough break from the endless introductions, media, and drills. There’s a never-ending stream of new faces to meet, and after a while they start to blur together, even the important ones. Constantly trying to force himself to think and speak in English is exhausting, and half his new teammates don’t seem to realize that they’re talking too fast for his tired brain. 

Hutton and Virtanen were probably told to make him feel welcome, but his patience for their boundless enthusiasm quickly wears thin. At the start of the first video session, Elias manages to escape by locating an empty seat beside someone he hopes is a bit quieter. 

“Nikolay, right? I’m Elias.” Elias really hopes he’s right about the name.

Hopefully-Nikolay’s smile is blinding when he looks up. “Yeah, I’m Nik. You don’t still have Hutty and Virt with you, do you?” He sounds slightly apprehensive, which Elias takes as a good sign. 

“No, I got away when they weren’t looking.” Elias smiles a real smile for the first time all day.

“Phew,” Nik laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, they’re fun guys, but I’m too tired to deal with them right now.” Nik has a beautiful smile, Elias thinks, then quickly discards the thought. He’s here to play hockey.

“Exactly. I don’t even know what they’re saying half the time.” 

“No one does,” Nik responds, and then they’re both silent as the session starts. 

Over the next couple weeks of training camp and preseason, Elias spends as much time as possible with Nik. It helps that they’re put on a line together, and they’re both more or less new to the team, Nik having played a few games at the end of the previous season. Nik always seems to intuitively grasp the things Elias can’t quite manage to say in English, both on and off the ice. 

By the start of the regular season, Elias is used to Ben and Jake being their boisterous selves, but he never quite gets used to the warm feeling that comes with seeing Nik’s smile, even as they quickly become good friends. 

***

“I’m supposed to pick a charity to sponsor,” Elias mentions. He’s sprawled on one of the beds in his and Brock’s hotel room, a half empty bowl of popcorn resting on his stomach. A random episode of Friends is playing in the background, long forgotten in favour of conversation.

“Mmhmm,” Nik nods disinterestedly, only half listening as he struggles to stay awake. “That’s the price you pay for being the face of the franchise.” 

“What should I pick?” Elias asks, ignoring Nik’s comment. As far as he’s concerned, it’s way, way too early to say that. He’s only played a few games. 

Nik shrugs. “Something you care about. Like how Boes is donating to Parkinson’s for every goal, because of his dad.” 

Elias eats another handful of popcorn, considering. “I could do something to help kids with abusive parents.”

That catches Nik’s attention. He gives Elias an alarmed look. “You – “ he starts.

“Oh! No, no, not because…” Elias rushes to explain. “No, uh. My soulmate. Or, I think so anyway.” 

“Ah.” That makes a lot more sense. Elias’ parents had seemed great, although it was usually hard to tell on the surface. Soulmates could feel an echo of each other’s pain – it was almost always how they found each other. Only about 25% of the population had a soulmate, but it was enough that the basics of soulbonds were common knowledge.

“How much of it did you feel?” Nik asks, as casually as he can manage. He doesn’t like the idea that his soulmate would’ve felt it when his dad hit him, but he isn’t about to tell Elias that. There were some things Nik preferred not to talk about. 

“A lot. But only while it was happening, obviously. Whereas my soulmate…” The sadness in Elias’ voice brings back memories Nik would rather leave buried. The pitying looks from his coaches, when they saw the bruises that weren’t from hockey or the red welts on his back. The way every hit on the ice made his back flare with a searing pain.

“It got so bad that my parents wanted me to get the soulbond broken,” Elias admits.

“Why didn’t you?” That had been one of Nik’s biggest fears as a kid – that his soulmate wouldn’t care enough to put up with the pain of being bonded to him. Luckily, his soulmate hadn’t severed their connection, although Nik would’ve understood the reasoning.

“Soulbonds are special so I didn’t want to lose that. And I thought… things were hard enough for my soulmate, I didn’t want to make it worse.” 

Nik nodded. He was so grateful that he’d always had the reassurance that someday he would have a soulmate, someone other than his sister that he would be proud to call family. 

“I think you should do the charity. But your soulmate would probably appreciate it if you kept the reason to yourself.” Nik certainly hoped his soulmate hadn’t told anyone. 

“Then what would I say? I don’t want people to think it’s because of my family.” 

“Say it’s because of a friend.” Elias frowned, and Nik knew what he was thinking. Elias hated lying. “You wouldn’t be lying.”

Elias sat up and set the empty popcorn bowl on the bedside table. “My soulmate isn’t really a friend. We don’t even know each other yet.”

“I’m sure you know someone who had a shitty childhood, even if they don’t talk about it.” 

Elias appeared to mull the idea over for a minute. “Yeah,” he finally said with a thoughtful look, and they left it at that. 

***

It probably sucked to be a hockey player’s soulmate, Nik reflected. It had to be tough for Holly, feeling every hit Bo took a couple seconds before seeing it on the TV. Nik was pretty sure his soulmate played a contact sport of some kind, based on how often they got banged around. There were only a couple times he’d felt anything more significant, most recently when his soulmate had some kind of hand injury in the spring. 

The worst was when it happened while Nik was on the ice. He could play through a bit of pain no problem, as hockey players often did anyway, but worrying about his soulmate did a number on his focus. Incidents during games used to be rare, but this season it seemed like something happened every time Nik stepped onto ice. 

It made Nik wonder if perhaps his soulmate was also in the NHL. But he chose not to believe that because it would mean they couldn’t be together and play hockey. There were plenty of other reasonable and less troubling explanations. And even if he was right about the hockey part, his soulmate could still be a girl. That would be the best-case scenario. 

Aside from a few soulmate related hiccups, Nik’s season was off to a promising start. It was still early, but Nik clicked with Elias better than any other linemate he’d ever had. After a couple seasons struggling to get out of the AHL, he was finally where he’d always dreamed of being. It was easy to imagine spending the next decade flying up the ice with Elias, terrorizing goalies and scheming on the bench. 

The Canucks came into the fifth game of the season still riding their high from defeating the Lightning. Halfway through the third period they were tied 2-2 with the Panthers, Elias having scored yet another spectacular goal. 

Nik saw Elias deke one of the Panthers’ defensemen, then missed what happened next because he was focused on the play. Everything flickered black, then blindingly bright and the world spun for a second. Years of absorbing hits kept Nik from toppling to the ice as the world returned to focus. Play stopped, and attention shifted to behind the net, where Elias was struggling to rise. He stumbled and fell back to the ice, triggering another wave of dizziness for Nik. That was quickly followed by a surge of panic that had Nik reminding himself to breathe as the pain in his head subsided. 

Elias was hurt, and _Nik felt it_. He’d known what had happened before turning to look. Elias almost certainly had a concussion, based on the echo of the injury Nik had felt. Around him, players were discussing the incident, trying to find someone who had seen what happened. Later, they would see the video and realize what a dirty hit it was, and Nik’s blood would boil with rage at the person who dared to hurt _his soulmate_, to hurt _Elias_. 

As soon as the game was over and he could get away, Nik headed to the medical room. If he was going to tell Elias, (and it seemed unjust not to), he had to do it now before the adrenaline of the game wore off. Already, he was constructing arguments against telling Elias, chief among them the dangers that a relationship would pose to their careers and Nik’s Russian citizenship. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only person who wanted to see Elias, nor was he the most important.

“Edler and Marky are with him. He’s doing alright, but what he needs now is quiet and rest,” the trainer explained, politely turning him away at the door.

Nik bit back all the retorts that popped into his mind. He couldn’t tell her the real reason he needed to see Elias, and nothing else would be adequate. 

Back at the hotel, he went by Elias and Brock’s hotel room, knowing Brock would be more amenable than the team medical staff. Alas, Brock had been evicted by Edler, who understandably wanted to watch over Elias himself. Nik could relate – whether it was the soulmate connection or simply his own feelings, the urge to protect Elias had him stalking back to his room and slamming the door after Edler refused to let him in.

“What was that for?!” Tyler sputtered. He’d sloshed a glass of water all over himself startled by Nik’s aggressive entry into their room.

“Sorry,” Nik muttered. Tyler glared at him and exchanged his soaked shirt for a dry one.

Maybe, Nik reflected as he lay awake worrying about Elias, tonight wasn’t the best time anyway. Elias would be in a better frame of mind when he wasn’t dealing with a concussion. Then they could figure out what to do. And what _would_ they do? 

This situation was exactly what Nik had dreaded ever since he admitted to himself that his soulmate could be a guy. Bad enough that he was Russian and a hockey player, worse that Elias was a teammate, and one destined for the spotlight at that. The attention Elias received would make concealing a relationship extremely difficult, if not impossible. And that was assuming Elias wanted to. Maybe he thought, as Nik often had, that it wouldn’t be worth the risk. Or most terrifying of all was the possibility that Elias wouldn’t see the need for secrecy.

The longer Nik thought about it, the bigger the cracks in his resolve to tell Elias. He could ruin Elias’ career with this, make him even more of a target on the ice. Or if management found out… the easiest solution would be to trade Nik so no one ever had to know. The best course of action, Nik decided around 3am, was to say nothing. As long as Elias didn’t know, neither of them would have to make these difficult choices.


	2. Chapter 2

Although Nik felt like his world had been turned upside down in Florida, nothing changed. Elias missed a few games in concussion protocol, and then he was back and scoring highlight reel goals again. Nik still didn’t tell him, and it was fine. Just because he knew that the potential was there didn’t mean that he had to feel any differently about Elias. They’d barely known each other a month. They were teammates, and sure, maybe Elias was Nik’s closest friend on the team. It was fine, things were normal.

But.

Nik couldn’t help but notice little things that made his breath catch in his throat and his heart beat faster. Elias’ hands as he taped his stick, sure and careful. Elias’ shy smile after he scored, once the camera had moved away from him and he was replaying it in his head. Elias’ blue eyes that Nik couldn’t look at for too long for fear of getting lost in them. 

No matter what he felt, Nik kept his hands to himself and his mouth shut. If sometimes he stared a moment too long, well, he only had so much willpower. And Elias didn’t make it easy for him.

“What’s this from?” Elias traced a scar on Nik’s forearm that was mostly obscured by a tattoo. They were in Elias’ apartment, watching Vegas annihilate LA, and somehow over the course of the game Elias had inched closer until he was pressed against Nik’s side. It wasn’t that Nik minded, exactly. It was just. Distracting. Particularly Elias’ fingertips trailing along his arm, examining a scar Nik would prefer to hide.

“An accident a long time ago,” Nik answered evasively, praying Elias wouldn’t push. 

Elias hummed softly, well aware that Nik was dodging the question, but thankfully kept his questions to himself. He left his hand on Nik’s wrist though, which was unsettling. 

Vegas scored again. “Wow, the Kings are terrible,” Nik said, just to change the subject. He had no real interest in the game, but Elias liked to scout the opposition. Elias made a couple comments about the Kings’ defense, and Nik relaxed, relieved that the conversation had moved on. They were quiet after a while, watching the final minutes of the game. 

As the Sportsnet guys started to dissect the game on the postgame show, Elias’ head dropped onto Nik’s shoulder. Nik initially assumed he’d fallen asleep, but then he spoke. 

“Are you going to tell me what the scar is from?”

Damn. Elias knew how to pick his moments, when Nik’s guard was down and a serious conversation didn’t seem like as big of a deal. He felt a rare sense of peace alone with Elias like this. 

“I fell into a glass coffee table and got a piece of glass stuck in my arm.” He didn’t exactly “fall”, but it was the more palatable version of the truth. 

There was another long pause. “You must have fallen pretty hard,” Elias observed sceptically. 

Nik had broken two hockey sticks that day, one of which was brand new. The first was at practice, the second practicing his shot at home afterwards. As soon as the second stick had snapped, he’d known there would be hell to pay once his dad got home. He’d learned about consequences before he’d learned to write his name. 

Even now it was hard not to flinch when he recalled how his dad had hit him with the broken pieces of the stick. Nik had cried, which he knew only made him angrier, and his dad had sent him flying into the coffee table. It was somehow even worse now, knowing that Elias, who would’ve been – what? Five? – felt it too. 

Elias slid his hand down from Nik’s wrist to lace their fingers together.

Nik didn’t move. He was hardly breathing, unsure what to make of this turn of events. Did Elias _know_? Elias said nothing, apparently content to hold Nik’s hand with no explanation whatsoever.

“I should probably go,” Nik said after a while. It was after 11, and they had a game tomorrow preceded by a mandatory morning skate.

“Ok.” Nik turned towards Elias just as Elias raised his head from Nik’s shoulder, and suddenly their faces were only inches apart.

Nik freed his hand and stood abruptly. “Seeya at skate.”

Elias looked like he had more to say but settled on a simple “Goodnight Nikolay.”

***

Nik’s mom and sister came to Vancouver for Christmas. Thankfully his dad stayed in Moscow, ostensibly to work. Nik knew that he hated Vancouver, which was one of the many reasons Nik loved the city. He didn’t ask after his dad, and his mom left the subject alone. Only once, when he took Eva out for dinner just the two of them, did Nik broach the subject.

“How’s dad?” Eva was quiet. She knew what Nik was really asking. 

“He hit me once, for missing curfew. Mom threatened to leave him if he ever did it again.”   
Nik felt the usual flare of white-hot rage his dad incited, and some very mixed emotions about his mom. He was shocked and relieved that she was protecting Eva. Shocked, because not once had she said a word to protect him. Either she’d grown some backbone in the years he’d been gone (unlikely), or she cared more about Eva, which he’d suspected anyway. 

“You can always call me, and I’ll fly over there to beat the shit out of him.”

Eva raised an eyebrow. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” They both knew that his schedule and contract would never allow him to drop everything and fly to Russia in the middle of a season.

“I could at least send a couple of my friends. They’re there if you ever need help.” 

“I know, Kolya.” Eva rolled her eyes. She thought he was too protective and paranoid. In her mind, their dad was a good person who made some mistakes. Nik couldn’t name one time his dad had done something genuinely nice for him, but for whatever reason Eva had had a very different experience. 

“Just… be careful.” Nik sighed. They’d had this conversation many times, both with and without their mom. Nik had offered to buy them their own place and make sure they were taken care of, had offered to have Eva live with him, but they always refused. It was both a blessing and a curse that Eva, who was eight years younger than him, had mostly been too young to remember what it was like when Nik lived at home.

They all left the subject alone for the rest of the visit, and it was better that way. Nik preferred to forget his childhood whenever possible.

The one part of the visit he didn’t enjoy was watching Eva flirt with Elias. She kept finding reasons to be near him at the family skate, at the Christmas party, and even when Elias came over to play Fortnite. The only person more uncomfortable than Nik was Elias, who avoided Eva whenever possible and stoically tolerated her attempts at conversation when she managed to corner him. 

“Would you leave him alone?” Nik snapped after Elias narrowly evaded Eva’s attempt to catch him under the mistletoe. “He’s clearly not interested, and he’s too old for you anyway.” 

“But he’s so nice,” Eva pouted. “And those eyes!” Nik had quite a bit of experience with how dangerous Elias’ blue eyes were.

“He has a soulmate.” Thankfully that put the issue to rest. Why Elias hadn’t just told Eva himself was a mystery, but Elias was just like that sometimes. For all that they were soulmates, half the time Nik had absolutely no idea what Elias was thinking. 

***

“Your family calls you Kolya,” Elias remarked. Nik’s family had left the previous afternoon, and it was back to the grind of the season now. 

“Yes?” Nik said slowly, thrown off by the randomness of this observation. They were on the ice after practice, working on their shots. Nik’s name was in no way related to the one-timers and wrist shots they’d been practicing. 

“Why don’t you go by that here?”

“Nik is easier – people always say Kolya wrong. And it’s only family and close friends who would call me Kolya anyway.” 

Elias took a couple more shots before continuing the conversation.

“You could teach me how to say it properly.” 

Nik hesitated. Something about the idea of Elias calling him by his Russian name didn’t sit right, maybe because of the association with his parents and unhappy times in Russia. 

“I’d rather not.”

“Oh. Ok.” Elias looked disappointed, and maybe… offended? “You done?”

“Yeah.” Confused by Elias’ reaction, Nik helped collect the pucks and headed off the ice. Elias was silent. Nik reviewed their conversation in his head, trying to figure out how he’d upset Elias.

“I didn’t mean that you aren’t an important enough friend to call me Kolya. It would just be weird, because we always talk in English, and I’m used to you calling me Nik.” Elias didn’t seem entirely convinced. “I like the way you say Nikolay,” Nik added, probably too honestly.

Elias beamed. “You still say Pettersson wrong, by the way.” 

“But I practiced with Marky!” The goaltender in question paused his conversation with Tanev by the door to the locker room. 

“Yes, we practiced,” Markstrom conceded. “Doesn’t mean you got any better.” 

Nik laughed at Elias’ smug look and gave him a playful shove. “I try, ok?” 

If it seemed like Elias used Nik’s full name more often than necessary after that, well, Nik was just imagining things. Wishful thinking, and all that.

***

Nik does some research about soulmates. He still has no plans to tell Elias, or do anything with the knowledge, but he’s curious. There isn’t much to learn beyond the basic concepts he was already aware of, and it’s mostly theories without scientific proof.

According to a few studies, soulmates can train themselves to sense how their partner is feeling, even from a distance. There’s also a theory that simply being in the same room as your soulmate has a positive emotional impact. Nik makes a point of seeking out Elias when Green tells him he’ll be a healthy scratch, and again after he watches Elias score a hattrick from the pressbox in Ottawa. Whether it’s because they’re soulmates, or because Elias is Elias, Nik feels lighter and more hopeful around him. 

They play again the next night, in Montreal, and once again Nik is a spectator. This time, however, is markedly less enjoyable.

He misses it at first, because Elias is behind the play. The sharp flash of pain in his knee makes him gasp aloud, earning alarmed looks from the people around him before they’re distracted by the action on the ice. 

“Pettersson is hurt,” someone says. Which, no shit. Nik can still feel the echo of Elias’ pain, but it should fade soon, even if Elias will still be feeling it.

“I didn’t see what happened,” Nik manages to say after a couple deep breathes, more to fend off panic than because of his knee. Elias is skating off on his own. It can’t be that bad.

“He got tangled up with Kotkaniemi,” Pouliot explains. One of the media guys brings up a video on his laptop. Elias fell awkwardly; it wasn’t a dirty play like in Florida.

“I’m going to go see how he is,” Nik tells Pouliot, who gives him a weird look. Everyone else is still speculating about the extent of the injury as play resumes. Nik is past caring what Derrick thinks right now. 

Just like the other time, Nik finds Elias in the medical room, talking to one of the trainers. This time however, he’s actually allowed in. 

“You’ll need an MRI, but I do think it’s just a sprain,” the trainer is saying as Nik walks in. Elias glances up, a look of surprise flitting across his features as he notices Nik in the doorway. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be watching the game?” 

“I wanted to check on you,” Nik explains, eyes firmly fixed on Elias’. His soulmate just blinks at him, evidently unsure what to say.

The trainer clears his throat. “Try to stay off your feet as much as possible,” he advises Elias before leaving the room with what Nik fears is a knowing look. 

“Need me to carry you?” Nik teases. After a tough game, he considers it his job to cheer Elias up. Over the past few months he’s become an expert at walking the fine line of teasing Elias just enough to distract him from the game without pissing him off. 

“As if you could,” Elias retorts, a hint of a smile already playing at the corners of his mouth.

“Wanna bet?” Nik challenges. He crosses the room and pretends he’s about to pick Elias up, bridal style. 

Elias pushes him away, smiling for real now. “It probably wouldn’t be good for my knee.” 

“Yeah, I guess not.” Nik takes a step backwards. He’s hyper-aware of the way Elias is looking at him, like he’s staring right into Nik’s soul. 

Nik almost tells him then. He could’ve, probably should’ve, and he half-regrets it later. But the other half of his brain, the sensible half, talks him out of it. All the reasons they could never be together still stand.

Instead, they head to the locker room, where their teammates are assembled for the second intermission. Elias goes to talk to Brock, leaving Nik with the weight of his secrets. Every time he passes up an opportunity to tell Elias, it gets harder and cuts deeper.

***

If Nik gets hurt, Elias will realize they’re soulmates. It’s a thought that keeps Nik up at night and makes him overly cautious on the ice, which does nothing to improve his play. Although he imagines dozens of ways Elias could find out on the ice, he doesn’t consider what could happen away from the rink.

“Can you check the pasta?” Elias calls from the living room. Nik is in his kitchen pouring two glasses of wine while Elias picks a movie.

“Didn’t you set a timer?” he yells back. 

“I forgot.” Nik laughs and shakes his head. They’re both terrible cooks. He swishes the pasta around with a fork. It seems done. He grabs the pot and carries it over to the sink, where he realizes he forgot a colander. At some point someone with superior cooking abilities told him not to put hot pans directly on the counter, so he balances the pot on the divider between the two sides of the sink. With one hand shakily holding the pot he stretches towards the cupboard with the colander. Predictably, this causes his hold on the pot to slip, spilling boiling water on his hand and wrist. The pot clatters into the sink, accompanied by an undignified shriek. This is followed by a string of Swedish curses from the living room, reminding Nik that Elias felt it too. 

He runs his hand under cold water, trying and failing to figure out what to say to Elias. Elias comes in after a minute and turns the stove off, which Nik had somehow forgotten to do. He doesn’t say anything until Nik has dried his hand and is studiously avoiding Elias’ gaze.

“I felt that. Which I’m guessing you knew.” 

Nik swallows. “Yeah, I knew.”

“Since when?”

“October.”

Elias takes a shaky breath and exhales slowly. “Ok. I’m going to order a pizza.” He grabs his phone and pulls up Skip the Dishes. Nik is still at a loss for words. Once the pizza is ordered, Elias picks up both wine glasses and walks back into the living room.

Nik follows. “I guess we should… uh, talk.” 

Elias nods, handing Nik his wine. “Why didn’t you say something?” he asks. They sit on the couch, not touching for once. 

“I wanted to. I almost did, in Montreal. I wish things were different, but we can’t…” Nik trails off. 

“I know,” Elias says softly. That certainly isn’t the response Nik was expecting, and he’s slightly disappointed that Elias isn’t going to argue the point. “With hockey being how it is for people like us, and I know there would be trouble with Russia too, we just… we can’t.”

Nik barely manages to speak around the lump in his throat. This conversation is exactly what he’s been trying to avoid since Elias’ concussion in October. “Yeah,” he whispers. “My family would disown me, my friends would hate me. I don’t think I would even be able to go back.” 

Elias sniffles, and Nik realizes he’s crying. Nik is close to tears too. It’s heartbreaking to be so close to the person you’re meant to be with yet separated by cruel circumstance.

Elias brushes away his tears and manages to pull himself together. “I wasn’t sure, but I wondered.”

“Why?” Nik can’t recall a time in the past few months when he’s hurt himself badly enough that Elias would be able to make the connection.

“The scar on your arm. I remember that day. It was when my parents realized what was happening to you. I was old enough to tell them what I was feeling, but I didn’t really understand what it meant.”

“I broke two hockey sticks. When my dad came home, he beat me with one of them, and then he threw me into the coffee table because I cried.”

“Nikolay…” Elias hugged him and didn’t let go for a long time. “I’m so sorry. No kid should have to go through that.”

Nik allowed himself to enjoy the feeling of Elias’ arms around him. “I never tell anyone about this.” 

Elias pulled back to look at him. “You don’t have to tell me, I already know most of it. But if you want to, I’m here.” 

“I want to.” He’d never wanted to talk about it before because people wouldn’t understand what it had been like. He didn’t want their sympathy or their pity. Elias was different. He understood, because he’d lived through it too. 

So Nik laid with his head in Elias’ lap and told him everything. Once he got started, the stories came tumbling out, every excruciating memory he’d locked away since he moved to North America. Elias was a perfect listener, who paid attention without asking questions or commenting. Eventually their pizza arrived and they ate it out of the box in the living room, Elias taking a turn recounting childhood stories that were far happier than any Nik had to share. 

“I should go,” Elias eventually says. He doesn’t look like he wants to leave at all. 

“Yeah,” Nik replies, but neither of them move. 

“Just this once,” Elias starts, nerves making his voice shaky. “Can I kiss you?” 

Nik is well aware that it’s a terrible idea. He almost says no but makes the mistake of meeting Elias’ eyes before he speaks. His good judgement is overpowered by the reflection of his own longing that he glimpses in Elias’ blue eyes. They can have this, just this once. It’s just one kiss. 

He settles a hand on Elias’ waist and leans in, Elias meeting him halfway. Their kisses are soft and shy at first, building in intensity as they gain confidence. It’s far more than the one kiss Nik agreed to, but now that Elias’ lips are against his he doesn’t know how to stop. They’re tangled in each other, breathless and giddy and reckless. 

“I should – I should go,” Elias gasps when they pause for air. Ask me to stay goes unsaid, but Nik hears it all the same. He has to draw the line somewhere.

“Yeah, you should.” Nik forces himself to put some space between them. There’s so much more to be said, and yet nothing they can say. Elias nods and stands to go, knocking his empty wineglass off the coffee table in the process. It shatters on the hardwood floor, and Nik thinks it’s a perfect metaphor for how he feels right now.

Nik follows Elias to the door and silently watches him put his jacket and shoes on. They both hesitate for a moment, neither quite ready for the night to end. Because once it does, they have to do their best to forget the soulbond. 

On impulse, Nik kisses Elias again, just a quick brush of lips, somehow more damning than the kisses they shared on the couch. This one is a goodbye, an ending when their story should just be beginning. 

“Goodnight,” Nik whispers, fighting against the pressure building behind his eyes. Elias quietly lets himself out of the apartment, shutting the door with a soft click. 

Nik collapses against the closed door and slides to the floor, burying his face in his knees and releasing the sob that has been building since he told Elias to go. 

On the other side of the door, Elias stares blankly at the numbers on Nik’s door, attempting to compose himself before heading out into the cold night. The tears trickling down his cheeks as he walks home are ice cold in the winter air.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry... I know this took me longer than it said it would. But the good news is that I've edited chapters 1-6 and chapter 7 is almost finished. Endings are hard.

For a few weeks, Nik and Elias distance themselves from each other by unspoken agreement. It’s easier to be just friends when they don’t spend every spare minute together. They’re careful to interact enough that no one calls them out for acting weird. The less attention their teammates pay to their friendship, the better. The painful undercurrent and slightly stilted exchanges must go unnoticed. It helps that they aren’t on the same line anymore, although that’s the only upside to the new lines. More often than not, Nik watches from the pressbox while Elias skates with Brock and a rotating cast of left wingers. None of whom are an adequate replacement for Nik.

Elias isn’t on the ice when Nik takes a high hit during a game in Vegas. Because he’s on the bench between Brock and Bo, both notice his gasp as he and Nik both get the wind knocked out of them. It’s immediately clear to Elias that Nik doesn’t have a concussion, because he certainly would’ve felt it, but Nik still has to leave for concussion protocol. 

At first, Elias is too distracted by Nik to realize that his teammates noticed his reaction. 

“What was that?” Brock asks once Nik has gone down the tunnel and Elias is focused on the game again. 

“What do you mean?” Elias tries to tamp down his rising panic. He’s saved by Green sending them over the boards for a shift, but the odds that Brock will let it drop are low. 

After the game, Elias was prepared to dodge Brock and his questions, but failed to anticipate an interrogation from Bo. Bo, captain in everything but name, always makes a point of knowing everyone’s business. In a good way, usually. Elias just doesn’t appreciate it today, and neither would Nik if he knew what was going on. 

As the bench starts to empty after the game, Bo instructs Nik and Elias to hang back. They exchange uneasy looks. The three of them duck around a quiet corner in the hallway outside the dressing room. 

“I don’t mean to pry,” Bo starts.

“Oh, you don’t,” Elias interjects sarcastically, immediately on the defensive. Bo crosses his arms and waits a moment, which has the effect of making Elias feel like a scolded child. 

“If you are soulmates, that’s something the team should be aware of so we can have a plan in place to divert attention if one of you is hurt.” 

No way in hell are they telling management, but saying that to Bo won’t help anything. 

“What are you talking about?” Nik feigns confusion. “I’m not _gay_.” Only Elias can see the fear fueling the venom in his voice. Bo isn’t looking at Nik though, he’s focused on Elias, who rushes to school his features into neutrality. 

“Sorry, but I had to check. Clearly I was wrong.” 

Elias lingers in the hallway with Bo while Nik goes to shower. “Would it matter?”

“Would what matter?”

“If my soulmate was a guy. Would that bother you?”

Bo appears genuinely surprised by the question. “Of course not.” He must sense that Elias isn’t convinced, because he adds “I have no problem with gay people, with or without soulmates. Did you think I would?”

Elias shrugs. “It’s hockey, people say things. How would I know you’re any different?”

Bo gives him an incredulous and mildly offended look. “I’ve _never_ used any of those slurs.”

“You never stop anyone else from using them either.” Elias leaves him with that thought and stalks back into the dressing room, wishing he’d kept his mouth shut. He carefully avoids both Brock and Bo in the dressing room and on the bus back to the hotel, securing the seat beside a sullen Nik instead. He quickly whispers an explanation of what happened on the bench. He doesn’t mention that he’ll probably have to tell Brock the truth, because he doesn’t want to argue about it.

As expected, Brock is waiting for him in their hotel room, arms crossed and undeterred by Elias’ silent scowl. 

“You didn’t think your best friend would want to hear that you met your soulmate?! And that your soulmate is on our team?!” Brock demands. As someone who doesn’t have a soulmate of his own, Brock has always been irritatingly curious about people who do. Also just irritatingly nosy in general, Elias decides somewhat uncharitably. He isn’t in the mood for this after the shutout and then Bo’s interrogation. 

Elias gives Brock the patented death stare, which fails to quell his enthusiasm. 

“When did you find out? How did you find out? Do you feel it every time he takes a hit?” Elias storms into the bathroom and slams the door, ignoring Brock’s continuing barrage of questions. 

Brock pauses to catch his breath for a second then asks in a more serious tone, “Why are you mad that I’m happy for you?” 

Elias wrenches the door open. “I’m not happy.” Brock doesn’t seem to understand that it’s a miserable, heartbreaking situation. 

Finally, mercifully, Brock is silent. 

“Yes, Nik is my soulmate. He’s also a hockey player, a teammate, and Russian,” Elias explains.

“So?” Brock shrugs, still not grasping the gravity of the situation. And why would he, when he’ll never have to deal with these problems? He’ll find some picture-perfect model to marry, like all the straight hockey players without soulmates do. 

“SO? So we aren’t together, we can’t be together, and I could lose him any day if Benning decides to trade him.” 

“Benning wouldn’t trade your soulmate,” Brock scoffs. 

“You think management wants gay players on the team?”

“Is that what they said?” Brock sounds ready to fight someone.

“Nobody knows, Brock. Only you and sort of Bo.”

“But Nik knows right?” 

“He found out because of my concussion and didn’t tell me for months. We haven’t told anyone because there’s nothing to tell. We’re just friends. We can only be friends.” 

Brock gapes at him for a few seconds. “You have a _soulmate_, who you are _choosing not to be with_, because you’re afraid of _what people will think_? What the fuck is wrong with you? The other 75% of the population would kill to have a soulmate, and you don’t even want yours?”

“Of course I want Nik! But it’s not only about what I want. I can’t ask him to give up his family and his country for me.” 

“You can’t base every decision off of the worst-case scenario. Who’s to say you couldn’t keep it a secret?”

“And always be afraid of people finding out?” 

“Wouldn’t that at least be better than whatever the fuck you’re doing now?” 

It would, in Elias’ opinion. He’s come to that conclusion over the past few months spent getting to know Nik better, but it isn’t his call. If it was only a question of endangering his career and putting up with some extra animosity on and off the ice, he wouldn’t even hesitate anymore. It’s Nik’s family and friends in Russia that give him pause. He hates the idea of being the reason Nik loses them, and he doesn’t think Nik would be prepared to risk them finding out.

“It would be,” Elias says quietly. “But Nik disagrees, and I’m trying to respect his decision.” 

***

The late March games following the Canucks’ mathematical elimination from playoff contention are a slow, agonizing form of torture. For Nik, it’s exacerbated by the fact that he isn’t even given an opportunity to prove that he belongs on next year’s roster. While the many bottom six wingers are out scoring meaningless goals, Nik sits in the pressbox and spends endless sessions dissecting his shortcomings with the coaching staff. It’s tough to feel like part of the team, and he finds himself growing increasingly reluctant to see his teammates away from the rink.

Except, of course, for Elias, the one teammate he really should be trying to stay away from. There’s a scientific explanation for that; being near Elias was the one thing that never failed to lift his dark mood, if only for a short time. They still sit together on the plane, quietly watching their own shows or listening to music, but more often than not Nik wakes up near the end of the flight with his head on Elias’ shoulder. Elias never seems to mind, and thankfully he doesn’t say anything. Those are the only times sleep comes easily for Nik. 

Nik doesn’t sleep more than a couple of hours the night after their final game of the season, a shootout loss in St. Louis. They spend the next day flying back to Vancouver, the mood on the plane somber as they mourn the end of a disappointing season. Back in Vancouver, everyone is eager to pack up and put the season behind them, with most of the guys, Nik included, scheduled to leave within the next few days. For most, it’s a chance to spend valuable time with their families, travel, and relax. Five months in Russia, away from Elias and their life in Vancouver, sounds like a death sentence. 

Just before midnight the day before Nik flies home, he drops by Elias’ apartment on a whim. They haven’t seen each other since they cleaned out their stalls at Rogers Arena, each busy packing up their apartments and preparing to head home for the summer. It’s been several sleepless nights for Nik, who alternates between re-living a season’s worth of defensive miscues and missed chances and dreading the future. 

“Hey,” Elias answers the door with a faint smile that fades as he takes in the dark circles under Nik’s eyes and his slumped posture. “What’s wrong?”

Nik shrugs dejectedly. “I haven’t been sleeping. I thought maybe… being around you might help.” Nik realizes belatedly that Elias is wearing pyjamas, adorable ones with cats and dogs that Nik will have to tease him about tomorrow. He was probably in bed before Nik showed up.   
“Did I wake you up?”

“I’d just gone to bed, don’t worry about it.” Nik follows Elias into his apartment. “You can stay over, if you want. I mean, uh, being near me is supposed to help, right?” Elias says awkwardly, pausing in the hallway outside his bedroom. 

“Yeah.” Nik gulps. He didn’t think this through properly. Elias slides into the bed, evening out the pillows and blankets so Nik can have half the bed. Nik is slow taking his hoodie off and setting his phone and keys on the nightstand, and Elias must sense his hesitation.

“Honestly Nik, I’ve shared a bed with Brock. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Nik would prefer not to imagine anyone else in Elias’ bed, even someone as unquestionably straight as Brock. He gets in the bed, staying carefully on his side, and flicks the switch to plunge the room into darkness. 

“So what’s keeping you up at night?” There are a whole host of things that torment Nik from dusk till dawn, ranging from hockey to his family to the soulmate he can’t have. There’s only one of those things he’s willing to discuss with Elias.

“Hockey, mostly. What I’ll do if they don’t qualify me.” 

“You worry too much.”

“That’s the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it?” Nik is pretty proud of himself for using an English expression. It’s possible he’s showing off a little. 

Elias is silent for a while, likely trying to work out what Nik said. “What does cooking have to do with anything?”

Nik tries to muffle his laughter against his pillow, but Elias hears and kicks him anyway. “Shut up, your English isn’t that good either.”

“It means we both worry too much.” 

“But pots and kettles aren’t black,” Elias complains.

“I think they used to be, like, hundreds of years ago.” 

“English is an awful language.”

“It’s the one we both know though, so I don’t mind too much.”

Elias’ hand finds his under the covers. “Go to sleep,” he whispers. Nik suspects he’s smiling in that shy way he does when he thinks no one is looking. Too tired to force himself to stay away, Nik inches closer to Elias. Elias releases his hand to shift so they’re cuddling properly. 

Nik falls asleep effortlessly and sleeps deeply with Elias’ arms around him. In the morning, he pretends to be asleep even once he’s pretty sure Elias is awake. They’re about to go months without seeing each other, Nik reasons. He can let himself have a few precious moments with his soulmate.


	4. Chapter 4

As expected, the long off-season is a miserable experience for Nik. He goes back to Russia, as he always does, but it isn’t the same. Every interaction with his family and friends feels disingenuous. In the back of his mind there’s always a voice asking _would we be having this conversation if they knew?_ He’s pretty sure in most cases the answer is no. He makes himself go out with his friends anyway, go to the rink, and go through all his everyday motions with a smile. He shuts out the questions about his future with the Canucks as best he can. 

The day the Canucks sign Micheal Ferland, pushing Nik even farther down the winger depth chart, he breaks down and calls Elias. They’ve been texting, but not about anything important and not all the time. They talked more in the first few weeks, until a few of Nik’s friends started to tease him for smiling at his phone all the time. He’d initiated fewer conversations since then. They hadn’t actually spoken in over a week, since Nik congratulated Elias on winning the Calder. 

It rings several times before Elias answers, long enough that Nik starts to wonder if he will. 

“Hey,” Elias says. Nik’s breath catches in his throat. He didn’t think far enough ahead to figure out what he was going to say. 

“Hey,” he echoes. 

“Why are you calling, Nikolay?” There’s something about the way Elias says his name that always sends sparks tingling down Nik’s spine. Maybe there’s a special magic to hearing your soulmate say your name. Nik distinctly remembers reacting like this the first time they met, when Elias came over to him and said ‘Nikolay, right? I’m Elias.’

“I miss you,” Nik says after far too long. 

“I miss you too.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to be in Vancouver next season.” 

“What?”

“Where would I play? They filled my spot. And my agent thinks they’re trying to trade me.” 

“I can ask –“

“NO.” Nik interrupts. 

“I would leave the soulmate part out.”

“If I’m on the team, it has to be because I deserve to be. Not because Benning wants to keep you happy.” 

Elias is quiet for a moment before answering. “You don’t need my help making the team, anyway.” 

Nik really, really hopes that’s true. He’s putting in the work this summer, and hopefully it’ll show when he gets to camp. That is, of course, once he signs a contract. 

As if he’s reading Nik’s mind, Elias says “Would you hurry up and sign a contract?” 

“Sure, if you want me signing for nickels and dimes.”

“Is that what they’re offering?” 

“I’ll be lucky to make as much as you, not counting all the bonuses you’ll get when you rack up a zillion points.” 

“We aren’t playing hockey for the money,” Elias points out. “Don’t let hockey stop being fun.” There was a time when Nik was the one reminding Elias to have fun and teasing him about being the most serious rookie ever. But that was back when Nik thought he’d be a permanent fixture on Elias’ line piling up points with his best friend. 

They move on to other, cheerier topics after that, and Nik is reminded of just how much he loves talking to Elias. By the time they hang up almost an hour later, the ache of longing Nik had gotten used to during the season is back in full force. 

Their conversations are more frequent over the rest of the summer, and even include a couple phone calls. After a couple months of lying to himself and wanting to believe that he didn’t miss Elias, Nik lets himself enjoy the sound of Elias’ voice and the natural flow of their conversations. He laughs when Elias gets tripped up by the English words, and gets mocked mercilessly in return the odd time that he can’t figure out how to say something. Their soulmate intuition isn’t quite as strong on the phone or over text, but it’s always enough to get the gist of the idea across.

***

Apart from his performance in the bag skate, Elias doesn’t have a particularly outstanding sophomore training camp. He’s too distracted by Nik, who in turn is so worried he won’t make the team that it makes him lose focus and underperform. The result is that by the last pre-season game, reporters are speculating that Nik will be waived. The night before the final decision will be announced Nik drops by Elias’ apartment for dinner. He’s staying in a hotel, so it’s nice to have somewhere else to go for an evening. Particularly tonight. 

They make it through dinner without mention of the looming verdict. Elias isn’t sure if Nik knows one way or another yet, and if this is going to be one of their last nights together, he wants to enjoy it as much as possible. Finally, when Nik has his jacket and shoes on and is about to leave, he brings it up. 

“They’re putting me on waivers tomorrow.” The blood drains from Elias’ face. He’d known it was a possibility, that Nik hadn’t had a particularly impressive camp, but he hadn’t quite believed it would happen. “Baertschi too,” Nik adds. “At least I won’t be by myself.” 

“They’re waiving Sven?? Then who..?”

“Gaudette made the team. He earned it.”

“Of course everyone who kills penalties and plays the kind of game Green likes made the team,” Elias says bitterly. When it comes to Nik, he knows he’s biased. But Sven? He should’ve made the team. As much as Elias appreciates having older Swedish teammates to rely on, he wonders what Loui did to deserve a spot over Sven and Nik.

“I wasn’t good enough. I’ve never been good enough, no matter how hard I try. Not for my parents, not for the NHL, not for-” Nik catches himself before whatever he was going to say next. Elias hates hearing the devastation in Nik’s voice. He hugs Nik and doesn’t let go for a long time. 

“You don’t need your parents’ approval, not after everything they did to you. You would be so much better off without them in your life.” It feels like an awful thing to say about someone’s family, but Nik needs to hear it. Elias doesn’t understand how he can forgive his mom for staying with his dad and not protecting him all those years. 

“They’re my family though,” Nik says sadly. “I can’t change that.” 

Elias changes tactics, sensing that arguing about Nik’s family will go nowhere. “You are good enough to be on the team. You were last year, and you’re better this year.” 

“It’s like I told you in the summer. They signed new guys, I’ve run out of chances. They’ve written me off.” 

“It isn’t too late, Nik, I could talk to Benning tonight. They haven’t announced it yet so there’s still time.”

Nik’s expression instantly shifts from sadness to anger. “Don’t you dare.”

“I know you wanted to make the team on your own, but Green messed up. I don’t like it either, but if it’s the only way you get to stay we have to try.” 

“NO. Promise me you won’t. You’ll ruin both of our careers.”

Elias ignores the panic in Nik’s eyes, trying to reason with him. “What if you get claimed off waivers?”

“Then I get to play in the NHL. That would be the best-case scenario, at this point.” 

Elias is flabbergasted. After all the times Nik has made it clear that he never wants more than Elias’ friendship, his words shouldn’t feel like razor sharp darts hitting Elias’ skin anymore. But they do. “But we would probably never play on the same team again.” 

“So?” Nik retorts callously. “We’d be in the NHL.” 

“SO? So we’d never see each other Nik, doesn’t that matter to you?” 

“I would rather be here, Elias, of course I would, but if I get a chance somewhere else that’s better than going back to the minors praying I get called up.” 

“I’d rather play for the Comets than go to another NHL team without you.” 

“Easy for you to say when it’s never going to happen. You don’t know what it’s like playing for a team where everyone is either competing to get a chance in the NHL or bitter that they won’t.”

“Nikolay, I would do _anything_ for you. I’d give anything to be with you. I love you.” 

“Don’t. Don’t say that.” 

Elias continues anyway. “What if I leave the soulmate part out, and just say that I’m in love with you and I want you on the team? I could make it sound like you don’t know,” he pleads. 

“If I’m not on waivers tomorrow morning, I will never forgive you. One way or another, I’ll be gone by the time my contract is up. It’s better for both of us if you let me go.” Nik opens the door and steps out into the hallway. 

“Nik.” 

“Goodbye.” Nik walks down the hallway towards the stairs.

“Nikolay!” Elias calls before he turns the corner. Nik doesn’t look back.


	5. Chapter 5

The team is different this year. That’s to be expected, with some new faces, some departures, and above all an increased sense of optimism and belief. This year, they aren’t trying to convince themselves and the city that they’re a playoff team. This year, it’s easy to believe it. Ask anyone on the team and they’d say this year is better. Anyone, that is, except for Elias.

Ben Hutton’s absence is the most noteworthy to the majority of the team. He was, after all, a very loud personality. Jake on his own is much, much tamer, particularly at the start of the season. It’s hard to watch, sometimes, when Jake seems to turn to his partner in crime, only to remember too late that he’s gone. Elias is the same, except it’s less noticeable. Win or lose, but especially when they lost, Elias always sought out Nik after the game. He misses Nik’s infectious smile and sunny outlook that never failed to believe in the team, even when he’d lost all faith in himself. Elias relied on Nik to pull him out of the dark place his mind went after a bad loss. Brock tries, but it isn’t the same. Nothing is the same without Nik. 

The Canucks were mostly winning, so it was hard to argue that they needed Nik on the team. But whenever a play amounted to nothing because Elias’ line didn’t have the chemistry it once did, his mind would return to the games he’d played with Nik on his left wing. And every time he looked up the highlights from Nik’s games with the Comets, saw the highlight reel plays and the defensive awareness he never got credit for… Elias felt the tiny seed of resentment grow. He’d never been the type of player who would question his coach’s decisions, but Nik’s demotion was testing his willpower. 

Although he and Nik aren’t speaking through the first quarter of the season, Elias keeps hoping. If Nik can play well enough, surely he’ll get called up when the inevitable injury bug bites. And then maybe they can be friends again, and Elias can go back to dreaming of the day Nik will change his mind and decide that a soulmate is worth fighting for, that Elias is worth the risk. 

But, for all the points he tallies, the plays he makes and the surprisingly solid (even to Elias, if he’s honest) defense, Nik doesn’t get called up. Baertschi does, and Graovac, and MacEwen, but not Nik. Against his better judgement, Elias checks Twitter and discovers that he isn’t the only one wondering why Nik is still in Utica while other call-ups ride shotgun with Bo. While Elias and Brock are back to a rotating cast of not-quite-right left wingers. 

There’s nothing Elias can do that won’t make Nik hate him. Until there is, served up on a silver platter by a reporter, of all people. 

“We’ve seen a few different linemates for you and Boeser this season; Miller, Leivo, Ferland… Obviously there are pros and cons to all of them but is there a combination you thought worked best?” 

Elias sees an opportunity, and he’s fed up enough that he takes it. “I liked playing with Goldy. All the guys I’ve played with are great players and we’ve had some success, but the chemistry isn’t as natural. Nikolay and I think the game the same way. He’s a very skilled playmaker, and I think that fits well with how Brock and I like to play. Maybe not so much how Green likes us to play, though.” 

They’re going to send the PR team to talk to him again, probably make him do more media training, but he’s had his say. He answers a few more questions, and when he’s done PR is indeed waiting to have a word with him. After a lengthy lecture about publicly criticizing coaching and management decisions, he’s sent to Green’s office. 

They probably meant he was supposed to go apologize. 

Green is blunt. “I know you and Goldy are friends, but he played his way off this team a long time ago.” 

Elias has to take a moment to choose his words carefully. “I think he’s earned another chance. There’s space, with the injuries right now.” 

“I like Miller with you and Brock and Goldy hasn’t looked like an NHL player on any other line.” 

“You don’t like the style he plays, but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad player,” Elias accuses, the words slipping out before he thinks better of it.

“I don’t need to justify my decisions to you.” Green is clearly irritated and trying to put an end to the conversation, but Elias isn’t done. 

“If Goldy plays with me, Miller can play with Bo.” 

“If I move Miller, I’d put Leivo on your line.” 

“Goldy would be better. When we played together last year –“ 

“Out. NOW,” Green orders, face reddening from anger. Elias leaves, fuming. Green puts Leivo on his line that night, and they’re on the ice for 2 goals against. He checks the AHL app after the game and sees that Nik had two assists in the Comets’ win. 

When the locker room is mostly empty, he takes a seat in the stall beside Edler and waits for him to finish his conversation with Tanev. He checks to make sure none of the other Swedes are around to overhear before he starts talking. 

“Hypothetically,” he begins. Edler raises an eyebrow. “Do you think management would keep my soulmate on the team if I asked?” 

Edler takes a moment to process this, stoic and unreadable as ever. “I’d hope so. It’s unprecedented for soulmates, obviously, but the Sedins managed to play their whole career together. I think the main issues from a management perspective would be how the rest of the team feels about it, unfortunately, and then whether he actually deserves to be on the roster.” 

“The rest of the team wouldn’t know.” 

“Guys would notice, eventually, no matter how careful you are.”

“There’s nothing to notice. He won’t risk people finding out, so we aren’t… so we’re friends.”

Edler gives him a look that might be pity, or perhaps disappointment. “I don’t think the guys would care, to be honest. Attitudes have come a long way since I entered the league, and Bo has really stepped up this past year.” It’s true that ever since Elias came out to him, Bo has intervened anytime one of the guys said something offensive. Once all the new guys settled in and got used to Bo’s policy, it became almost a non-issue.

“His family is not so open-minded.” Edler probably knows exactly who they’re talking about, but it feels like a violation of Nik’s privacy to actually say his name. “I just want him here, and happy, but I promised not to tell anyone.”

“Hey Petey, if you’re not too busy with secret Swedish conversations, I need to talk to you,” Bo says. Elias sighs. He’s going to get another lecture for what he said to the media. 

After Elias and Bo leave, Alex sits in his stall for a long time, mulling over his conversation with Elias. Then he makes a call to arrange a meeting with Jim Benning. 

***

**Canucks recall forward Nikolay Goldobin, re-assign MacEwen**

Elias can’t believe his eyes when he sees the headline. He’s even more surprised when he gets to Rogers Arena and finds Jim Benning waiting to talk to him. Benning, oddly enough, seems uncharacteristically uneasy. 

“First of all, I want to apologize on behalf of the coaching staff and the rest of management. Clearly we created an environment where you didn’t feel comfortable coming to us yourself, and that is something we will strive to correct moving forward.” 

Elias has no idea what he’s talking about, but Benning continues unaware of Elias’ confusion. 

“I want to personally assure you that I will do what I can, within reason, to keep Goldobin with the team. He will of course have to perform at a certain level, but he’s looked good with the Comets so far and I expect playing with you will help as well.” 

Edler must have told him. Elias is speechless, unable to find the right English words. “Thank you,” he eventually manages to squeak out. 

“I’m leaving tonight on a scouting trip, so I won’t be able to speak with Goldobin myself, but please pass on the message.”

Elias nods and lies through his teeth. “Of course.” He hates how much he’s had to lie in the past year, when he used to pride himself on being honest. 

Benning leaves, and Elias stands in the hallway, completely shell-shocked. Brock finds him a few minutes later.

“Jeez, what happened to you? I thought you’d be celebrating your boy getting called up!” 

“I just talked to Benning. Edler told him.” 

“And?” 

“He _apologized_ for waiving Nik and said as long as he’s not terrible they’ll keep him on the team.”

“That’s awesome!” Brock pulls him into a hug. “Are you going to stop doing the weird soulmates-but-just-friends things now?” 

“This doesn’t change the situation for Nik.” 

“It’s like he’s allergic to happiness.” Brock shakes his head. 

“Would you trade your family for a soulmate?” Elias realizes a moment too late how insensitive his comment was, given everything Brock’s been through with his dad’s health. “Sorry, that was – I shouldn’t have said that.” 

“But isn’t Nik’s family…” Brock says carefully. Oh… Elias had forgotten how much Brock knew. Before he connected the dots and figured out Nik was his soulmate, he’d told Brock about his soulmate’s childhood and the secondhand abuse he’d endured as a result.

“He loves his sister. It isn’t just his family, anyway. It’s all his Russian friends, and Russian law. You act like we’re making obstacles but,” Elias shrugs. “It’s just the way things are.” 

Brock looks contemplative for a while, which bodes about as well as Jake being silent. Which is to say, trouble is brewing. “Don’t you dare say anything to him.” 

“But-“

“This isn’t something you can fix, so stay out of it. And I want him to think he earned the call-up on his own.” Brock nods. That, he understands. Hearing that he was called up as the star player’s soulmate rather than a player who earned another chance would be a huge blow to Nik’s confidence. 

***

Elias is anxious about seeing Nik and dreading lying to him. He wants to fix things between them, even if it’s only restoring their status quo of pretending to be happy with friendship. 

Unsurprisingly, Nik corners him before their first practice together. “Why was I called up?” he asks. 

Elias is careful to keep his expression neutral. “Because you earned another chance.” 

“Did you tell them?” 

“No.” He didn’t tell the organization directly or intentionally, at least, but he feels guilty nonetheless.

“I saw what you said about me.” 

“I meant every word. I want you here because I-” love you, he almost says, but catches himself just in time. “-care about you, but also because I like playing with you on my wing. You deserve to be here.” 

That seems to convince Nik, and he warms up considerably after that. It doesn’t take long to find their usual easy rhythm, and within a few days Elias finds himself getting re-accustomed to spending most of his time around. 

Nik is a healthy scratch the next game (which they lose), but at the following practice he skates on a line with Elias and Brock. Although he’s almost guaranteed a place on the team, Nik may not get more than a game or two to prove that he belongs in the top six. Elias considers it his responsibility to make sure their line does well, with the result that by warmup the following night, he’s nearly as nervous as Nik is. And Nik is absolutely petrified. 

Elias pulls him aside before they go out for warmup. Nik is practically shaking with nerves by that point. “Nikolay. Look at me.” Nik obeys. “You can do this.” 

“What if I can’t? This is my last chance.” Elias knows that it isn’t, but he doesn’t dare open that can of worms right now. “I might only get this one game, and if I don’t score-“ 

Elias takes Nik’s hand, and for once Nik doesn’t snatch it away. “You don’t need to score. Play your game, same as you have been, and you’ll be fine. Pass me the puck and I’ll worry about scoring.” 

“I can do that,” Nik says with a half-smile, suddenly much more at ease. Strangely, so is Elias, although he still feels the pressure of their line needing to play well. 

“Do you feel better now?” Elias checks. 

“A lot. Like, I feel super calm. I think it’s, uh,” Nik glances at their joined hands. “The soulmate thing.” 

“That explains why you keep hanging out with me,” Elias teases. The clock on the wall shows that they’re running out of time. “We should get back.” 

The game, overall, is not a success. They lose 3-2 on an unlucky bounce in the third period, unable to tie it with Marky pulled in the final minutes. In spite of that, it requires some effort for Elias to look properly upset by the loss when he speaks to the media. Their line wasn’t on the ice for any of the goals against, and even better, they scored one of the goals.. When it’s announced it in the arena, Elias Pettersson from Nikolay Goldobin and Brock Boeser, Elias gets caught on camera grinning at Nik. Later, he sees it as a gif on Twitter and saves it to his camera roll. 

“I told you not to worry about the scoring,” Elias smirks when they get to his car. “I’d forgotten how good you are at knowing where to be.” 

“It’s probably just a soulmate thing. It only seems to work with you,” Nik shrugs. 

“Don’t say that. You’re talented on your own.” 

“I know,” Nik says, and this year Elias actually believes him. Sometime in Utica, Nik found his confidence again. “But I think it helps. It’s the one upside to the whole soulmate thing.” 

Nik probably didn’t mean for it to sound like he wishes Elias wasn’t his soulmate… but that’s how it sounds. And it hurts, even though Elias isn’t surprised by the knowledge that their connection means a lot more to him than to Nik. In a way, Elias supposes Nik is the lucky one, because he doesn’t care as much.

The next game, their line stays together with even better results, and they win the game. Nik scores his first of the season off a crisp give and go passing play. It’s exactly the kind of goal Elias imagined when he envisioned them playing together. 

Over the next few games, their line continues to showcase the kind of chemistry normally reserved for lines who’ve spent the better part of a season together. It isn’t always pretty, with the odd glaring turnover or defensive miscue that makes their coach cringe, but they’re holding their own and outscoring the opposition most nights. Green still acts surprised every time Nik does something right, but he’s making more of an effort to contain his frustration when Nik makes a mistake. At least when Elias is within earshot.

In his ninth game, Nik scores his third goal of the season, which brings him up to 7 points. The next morning, Loui Eriksson is on waivers and Nik starts looking for an apartment to rent. Unfortunately, that is also the day he finally hears about the circumstances of his call-up. 

Nik finds Elias when they get back to the hotel after morning skate. Elias can sense right away that he’s angry, and there’s really only one plausible reason that comes to mind. 

“Is Brock here?” Elias shakes his head. Nik pushes past him into the hotel room. “We need to talk.” 

“Ok…” He closes the door. 

“You _promised_ me you wouldn’t tell anyone. I asked you why I got called up and you looked me in the eye and _lied._” Nik looks so utterly betrayed that Elias feels guiltier than he has in a while. After all, Nik has without a doubt earned his place on the team and no harm was done, so he’d almost convinced himself that he’d done the right thing by lying. 

“It was Alex who told management, not me. I went to him because I wanted his opinion on how people would react, and I needed to talk to someone. I never said it was you,” Elias explains calmly. The last thing he wants is to ruin the shaky peace they’ve managed to negotiate. 

“That is such bullshit! It clearly wasn’t hard to guess who you were talking about! And you specifically told me I’d _earned another chance_,” Nik throws Elias’ words back in his face with as much venom as he can muster.

“You had earned another chance. They just weren’t going to give you one.” 

“Do you not understand how important it was that I do this myself? You should have told me as soon as I got here.” Elias did understand, which was exactly the reason he’d kept this from Nik. 

“And wreck your confidence? How would that have helped you?” It comes out sounding condescending rather than logical as he’d intended. 

“Do you think I’m so fragile I can’t handle the truth?” Nik’s eyes flash with anger, but Elias can see the hurt he’s trying to hide. 

“About this? Honestly, yes,” Elias says as gently as he can. Nik opens his mouth to protest but Elias talks over him. “I know you, Nikolay. If there’s one thing that would absolutely destroy you, it’s being told you aren’t good enough. And I understand that it comes from everything that happened with your dad. That would fuck anyone up.” 

“Don’t you dare bring my family into this or say you understand. You have no idea what it was like.”

“I may not have heard what he said, but I felt it every time he hit you. I’m your soulmate, Nikolay, as much as you want to pretend I’m not. I know it isn’t the same, but I had to live through it too.” 

“I never wanted you to be my soulmate, so how about you stay the hell out of my life? Maybe I should ask for a trade, or would you interfere with that too? Would you even let me leave?”

_I never wanted you to be my soulmate_. The cruel words echo over and over in Elias’ head, fanning the flames of his temper. 

“I never wanted this either. When I decided to put myself through hell to keep my soulmate, I thought I’d be getting someone who was capable of love,” Elias says viciously. In the moment, all he wants is for Nik to hurt as badly as he’s hurting Elias right now. 

“I wish you’d broken the soulbond a long time ago. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble.” The honesty in Nik’s voice stings. 

If Nik really means that, Elias won’t force him to keep a soulbond he doesn’t want. “We can do it now, on one condition.” He has to know for sure. It’s the only way he’ll ever be able to move on. “Take away everyone else’s opinions and all the problems. Is this still what you would want?” 

Nik answers without hesitation. “Yes.” 

They stare at each other in silence for a few beats. “Then make the appointment,” Elias says coldly, managing by some miracle to keep the quaver out of his voice. 

Never in a million years would Elias have expected it to come to this. He’s believed that soulmates are destined to be together and will find a way no matter the obstacles. For nearly a year, he clung to that belief as Nik resolutely held him at arm’s length or pushed him away altogether. Because despite all the drama, he loved Nik, both as his soulmate and in his own, non-magical way. All along, he’d believed that it was the same for Nik. Now, he had to accept that whatever he’d believed Nik felt for him was only because they were soulmates. At this point, it didn’t even seem possible that they could ever be friends again. 

When Brock comes back to their hotel room for his pregame nap, he finds Elias curled up on the floor, his whole body shaking with sobs. 

***

A week later, Elias doesn’t have a soulmate anymore. Breaking a soulbond shouldn’t be easy, but it was. They made the appointment, filled out about a book’s worth of paperwork, and were out of there within an hour. They had to confirm that they were completely certain over and over (it was as if the doctor couldn’t quite understand why they would want this, which… fair). Elias’ heart broke a little bit more every time Nik said that yes, he was sure.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! I was totally stuck on the ending (still haven't finished it) and ended up completely forgetting about this story.

The holidays are a lonely affair for Nik, other than Christmas dinner with the Horvats. Bo had asked Nik if his family would be in town, to which Nik had shrugged and muttered something about them not wanting to bother.

Nik Facetimes his sister on Boxing Day to hear about her Christmas, which sounds significantly more exciting than his, though he doesn’t envy spending days on end in the same house as their parents. 

There’s a lull in the conversation, and Nik is considering ending the call, when Eva says there’s something she wants to ask him. He’s completely unprepared for what she says next. 

“Is Elias your soulmate?” 

“What?” Maybe he heard wrong. Nik really, really hopes he heard wrong because his little sister always knows when he’s lying. 

“Kolya. You heard what I asked. Is Elias your soulmate?”

“No, of course not. No. Why would you think that?” He sounds suspiciously defensive even to his own ears. 

“Kolya…” The connection freezes as she’s rolling her eyes, which would be funny in almost any other circumstances. “Just, the way you talk about him sometimes… I don’t know. Please don’t lie to me.” 

Nik still feels like he has to though. “I’m not,” says. Eva doesn’t look entirely convinced. 

“Well, then promise you’ll tell me when you do meet your soulmate?” 

Ignoring the guilt twisting his stomach, Nik promises. “Of course.”

That finally placates her. “Alright, well I should probably go back to helping with the clean-up.” 

“Ok, love you.” 

“I love you too. And I’m going to love your soulmate to, whoever he or she is.” Eva hangs up before Nik has a chance to grasp what she just said. 

And then he does. 

“Oh, she’s going to fucking kill me,” Nik mutters, pressing the button to call her back. 

“Elias is my soulmate,” he says before Eva has a chance to ask why he’s calling again. 

“You _asshole_! You _lied_ to me! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” she shrieks. 

“I’m sorry Eva, I just didn’t know how you’d react and I was afraid…”

“Because you’re gay? I don’t care! Kolya, you’re my big brother. I love you no matter what.”

Nik is close to tears. “Thank you, Eva, you have no idea how good it is to hear that.” Dammit, he is going to cry. “So, um, I’m bi. I’ve never, um, I’ve never said that before.” 

“Tell me about Elias! When did you figure it out? OH MY GOD did you know when I was there last Christmas?”

“Yeah, I realized that October when he got a concussion,” Nik says cautiously. He doesn’t think Eva is going to understand why he and Elias aren’t together. 

“You’ve been together a YEAR??”

Nik fidgets and looks away, which is ridiculous. This was his choice. Breaking the soulbond was the sensible choice, one he should’ve made a lot sooner. But Eva, always a fan of the perfect love story, is not going to see the practical side. “We aren’t together.”

Eva frowns. “What do you mean? Why?” 

“It’s too dangerous. You’ve been around hockey teams your whole life. You know what it’s like. How do you think our teammates would take it if they found out? What if the media found out? One picture on Twitter and I’d never be able to come back to Russia. Imagine what our parents would say.” 

“Oh, so now you’re going to use our parents as an excuse for being a coward? I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve said we’d be better off without them, but now you’re afraid they’d disown you?” 

“It’s not about them Eva. I have friends in Moscow. Russia is my home. I could lose all of that.” 

“Remember what you told me when I liked Ivan last year, and I spent months trying to act differently and dress differently so he would like me?” 

Nik does remember. Eva had been completely obsessed. She’d gone so far as to try out for the soccer team, which she was terrible at and hated, because she knew Ivan liked soccer. 

“I told you that if someone doesn’t love you back, they aren’t worth it.” He doesn’t see how this applies here.

“It’s the same with your friends, and even Russia. If they don’t accept you for who you really are, they aren’t worth it. You can’t change who you are to please other people without cutting away pieces of yourself.” 

There’s no way to adequately explain everything that transpired in that hotel in San Jose. “It’s too late now.”

“What do you mean, it’s too late?” Judging by the dangerous edge in her voice, Eva has a pretty good idea what he means. 

“We broke the soulbond. I’ll play out the season with the Canucks and then ask for a trade.”

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have a soulmate?” 

“He isn’t my soulmate anymore.”

“You don’t actually believe that, do you? Breaking a weird connection that inflicts pain doesn’t change the fact that you’re meant for each other.” Although Nik has been in denial about it for weeks, Eva is right. He is every bit as in love with Elias as he was when they were soulmates. 

“I know,” he admits quietly. “I wish it did.” 

“Kolya, you have to fix this. Would not being able to come home honestly be any worse than how unhappy you are now?” 

Deep down he knows Eva is right, but he ignores her advice. If he’d told her months ago, maybe it would’ve stopped him from throwing away his best chance at happiness. 

***

The conversation with Eva adds to the band of ghosts already haunting Nik, tormenting him with what could have been and repeating the cruel words he doesn’t know how to take back. The smartest choice now would be to ask for a trade, but Nik can’t bring himself to do it yet. Elias must not have told anyone they severed the soulbond, or else Nik would already be gone. It would be easier if Elias could be the one to make that choice, for once, but Nik has always been the one creating barriers between them. All Elias ever wanted was to love him. 

Elias only speaks to him when absolutely necessary, and only about hockey. His told is cold, all business as they discuss plays. Brock is only slightly less frosty, so Nik assumes he knows the full story, although Elias never mentioned telling him. It’s just one more promise Elias didn’t keep. Another promise he should never have had to make. 

As far as Nik knows, Elias has only told Brock and Edler, so the rest of their teammates assume they’ve simply grown apart. The few who pay closer attention and spend the most time with them recognize that they’ve had a falling out of some kind, but wisely choose to leave it alone. Nik understands their reluctance to question Elias when he’s been in such a sour mood. Anytime it comes up, Nik pretends everything is fine, and mostly that works. 

It does not, however, work on Bo, aka Captain Snoopy who insists on knowing everyone’s business and is constantly patching up the smallest fractures in the “team dynamic”. He invites Nik to have lunch with him after practice one day, although it isn’t so much an invitation as a demand. There’d been a particularly tense moment at practice that day, when Elias abruptly exited a conversation mid-sentence as soon as Nik skated over. A few guys, unfortunately including Bo, had noticed that something was off. 

Bo has the decency to wait until they have their food before he brings out the serious captain face. Nik braces himself for questions about why he and Elias stopped being friends. 

“I’m planning a couple of events with You Can Play,” Bo says instead. “I want the whole team to participate.” 

This isn’t the direction Nik expected the conversation to go. At all. “Um, ok?” 

“Is it?” Bo questions. 

Nik has absolutely no idea where Bo is going with this. “What?” 

“I understand that Russia has a different laws and I want to be respectful of your beliefs, whatever they may be, but I also want our team to be a safe and comfortable environment for everyone regardless of their sexuality.”

Nik is completely at a loss, both as to why Bo seems to think he’d have a problem with this and why they’re talking about this instead of Elias. “I can’t do anything too public because it might be a problem for me at home, but I have no problem with doing the basic stuff like the rainbow tape.” 

Bo still looks oddly sceptical. “While I’m glad you’re willing to do that, I’m much more concerned about the meaning behind it, and whether you would make a gay teammate uncomfortable or treat him differently.”

Oh. Oh. Bo thinks that Nik doesn’t want to be friends with Elias anymore because Elias is gay, and is trying to be subtle about it in case Nik doesn’t know. The irony is truly incredible. 

“I wouldn’t.” Bo says nothing, clearly still not convinced. “I don’t want to have this conversation in public,” Nik adds. He might as well tell Bo what’s really going on, since it’s abundantly clear that he doesn’t have a homophobic bone in his body. 

Bo seems mildly surprised. “No one is close enough to hear.” It’s true that their table is tucked away in a fairly secluded corner of the café so their lunch won’t be interrupted by fans. 

“What happened with me and Elias… it’s nothing like you’re thinking. He was my soulmate.” 

Bo’s jaw literally drops. “You’re soulmates. Holy shit. I was right!” After a few seconds he seems to notice his mouth is hanging open and hurriedly takes another bite of his sandwich. 

Nik idly spins his glass, avoiding eye contact. “We were, but now we’re not.” 

Bo chokes on his sandwich. When he finally stops coughing, Nik wants to crawl under a rock to get away from the disappointment on Bo’s face. “You broke the soulbond?” Nik nods. “That is so much worse than what I was imagining.” Bo sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Why the hell would you do that?” 

Nik is getting awfully tired of justifying his decision, especially when his own conviction has begun to waver. “I can’t risk people back home finding out.” It occurs to him somewhat belatedly that Bo, as someone who has been with his soulmate since they were teenagers, is unlikely to be terribly impressed with this logic. 

“That’s stupid,” Bo says bluntly. “You can’t just break off your soulbond because people might not like it. That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard, and I’ve spent most of my life around hockey players.” 

“There’s no point arguing about it now. It’s done, and Elias hates me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“He should. I was awful to him pretty much the whole time. He deserves someone so much better than me.” The last part slips out unbidden, and Nik immediately wishes he could stuff the words back in his mouth. 

“Do you actually believe that?”

“What?”

“That you’re not good enough for him. Because that is complete and utter bullshit.”

Nik has nothing to say to that. 

“Holy fuck Nik, do you have any idea how highly Elias thinks of you and how much he cares? He talked about you all the time when you were gone. He watched your AHL games and kept track of your stats. He spent months toeing the line and staying on the good side of all the media and PR people, only to throw all of that away on a hail mary to save your career. And not only that, but it worked and he was right; you belong on this team.” 

Nik doesn’t want to hear anymore. He stands up and grabs his coat. “I assume you’re buying, since you dragged me here for this painful conversation.” 

“This conversation is not over. Sit down,” Bo orders. 

“Thank you for lunch.” Nik walks out of the restaurant without a backward glance. All of a sudden the prospect of a fresh start with another team sounds very appealing. 

By mutual decision, Nik and his dad don’t talk. Ever. So it’s quite a surprise when his dad calls as he’s unlocking the door to his apartment. 

“Hello,” he answers warily. 

“Kolya, hi, it’s been a while.”

“It has. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes of course. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am that you got your career back on track. You know I always follow your stats, watch some highlights…” Nik did not, in fact, know that, nor does he necessarily believe it. “Anyway, you’ve turned into quite the player. I guess all the time and money we put into hockey was worthwhile after all.” 

Nik ignores the barb about the cost. “Thank you.” He can’t recall any other time his dad offered such genuine praise. For years he tried and failed to please his dad, desperate to be told that he was good enough. Now, it makes Nik’s skin crawl to hear that the man he’s spent half of his life hating is proud of him. 

“To be honest, I never thought you were tough enough to make it. You’ve always been too emotional. Eva told me you broke things off with your soulmate, and I must say, I was astounded. I’ve never liked that whole soulmate business, and if she was a distraction, I’m glad you made the hard choice. You’re a lot more like me than I thought.” 

Nik flies through a range of emotions including horror, fear, and disbelief. Ultimately, he lands on fury. “I am nothing like you,” he snarls. Nik is more terrified by the idea that he’s anything like his dad than he was when he thought he might never make it back to the NHL. 

“Oh come on now, Kolya. I meant it as a compliment,” his dad laughs. Nik feels queasy. 

There have been a number of times in his life that Nik has been truly, deeply disappointed with himself. One was in juniors when he didn’t stand up for a teammate who was being bullied because of rumours that he was gay. Another was when he didn’t make the team in September. Both pale in comparison to this, because if his dad approves of how he’s living his life, Nik is undoubtedly doing something horribly wrong. 

“You’ve been a terrible person and an even worse father for as long as I can remember. Being like you is my worst nightmare.” 

There’s a beat of silence on the other end. “Well, I can see you’re as dramatic and ungrateful as you’ve always been. Stubborn, too, which you get from me whether you like it or not,” he chuckles. “As for being a terrible father, I’d say I did a pretty decent job raising you, since you’ve turned out all right. You’ll understand one day, when you settle down with a nice Russian girl and have kids of your own.” 

“I guess I’ll never understand then, since the only person I’d ever marry is Swedish and a man. Still proud of me?” Nik hangs up so he doesn’t have to hear the answer. He doesn’t care. He should have stopped caring a long time ago.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo... I am very aware that I claimed I would be posting another chapter "soon". In February. I have no excuse. TBH I don't even ship these two anymore (I am very much on board with Elias/Brock, and if I write anything new it will be about them) so I completely lost interest. 
> 
> That said, as a voracious reader of fanfiction, I know how brutal it is when writers don't finish their stories, so I didn't want to do that to anyone. Better late than never, I hope.

Nik distinctly remembers being warned that there was no way to repair a soulbond once it was broken, but he Googles it anyway. Dozens of articles come up warning that the procedure is irreversible. He slams his laptop shut in frustration and buries his face in his hands. Why was he such an idiot?

Maybe, _maybe,_… he thinks desperately. Maybe it isn’t only about being soulmates. Clearly, the loss of their soulmate connection hasn’t changed Nik’s feelings at all. If he’s lucky, nothing will have changed for Elias either. That would be more good fortune than Nik thinks he deserves. The real question is, could Elias ever forgive him? 

His thoughts are interrupted by a call from his agent. It’s a short conversation, just a warning that the Canucks are in serious talks about trading him. Nik instantly feels weighed down, all his hopes sinking as if attached to an anchor in the deepest part of the Pacific ocean. If he’s on the trade block, it’s because Elias asked for him to be. Which means Elias, who fought so hard to keep him on the team, has finally had enough. It means in all likelihood, Nik has come to his senses too late. But he didn’t come this far only to give up without knowing for sure. 

He drives over to Elias’ apartment immediately. He can’t waste time planning the perfect apology when he could be traded at literally any moment. If his agent is warning him, it means a trade is imminent. 

Elias opens the door, freezing in the doorway when he sees Nik. “What are you doing here?” He makes no move to let Nik into the apartment. 

“Please don’t let them trade me. I just – I know it took me a long time, but I’ve finally figured things out,” Nik pleads. “Please, Elias. Just hear me out.” 

“I know you love it here, and you’re finally having some success… that’s why I waited so long to do this… but I need to get away from you, and they won’t trade me. It’s impossible to put all of this behind me when I see you every day.” 

“I’m not talking about hockey. I’m so sorry, for everything, and I know saying that isn’t good enough, but I love you.” 

“Wow, you’ll say anything to stay in Vancouver,” Elias sneers, his face even frostier than his tone. “Did you meet a girl your family approves of here?” Despite all the reactions and scenarios Nik imagined on the drive over, he never imagined that Elias simply wouldn’t believe him. In hindsight, maybe he should have. 

“No, of course not. This has nothing to do with them. Please give me a chance to explain.” 

Elias laughs cruelly. “I waited for you for a _year_. I thought you would change your mind, and instead you said you didn’t love me. Awfully convenient that the instant you’re in danger of being traded, you come running back.” 

“Elias, I promise, it has nothing to do with that. I love you, I did all along, I was just scared.”

“I wish you all the best wherever you go, but I never want to see you again.” He slams the door in Nik’s face. Nik stands there, stunned, for a few seconds. Elias has always been the one who tries to fix their relationship, so his refusal to even listen is like the ground giving way under Nik’s feet. 

“Please let me explain,” he shouts, first knocking, then slamming his palm against the door over and over. There’s no response, but he’d bet a year’s salary that Elias is standing on the other side of that door, ignoring him. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me. I will sit in this hallway all night if I have to.” 

He sinks to the floor and leans against the wall beside the door. Elias is stubborn enough that this standoff could very well go on all night, and he’s not going to spend that time making a scene. Instead, he uses the time to figure out what he’s going to say to win Elias back. He texts Elias when it’s been almost an hour, to make sure he knows that he hasn’t left, but there’s no response. Eventually, he falls asleep. 

***

Even as he slams the door on Nik, there’s a tiny bit of doubt. Elias wants to believe him, but he doesn’t. The moment their soulbond snapped, he let go of the hope that Nik would change his mind. He accepted that Nik would never love him. A muddled apology and a desperate “I love you” aren’t enough to convince him otherwise, but the interaction does make him second-guess his decision to request the trade. 

It’s enough that when Jim Benning calls an hour and a half later, Elias doesn’t give him the go-ahead for a trade that would send Nik to Carolina. Benning is clearly irritated by his change of heart, but not enough to go through with the trade against Elias’ wishes. 

At 8:30 the next morning, he wakes up to half a dozen messages from Nik, sent throughout the night. 

_11:07pm: Just so you know, I’m still here_

_12:56pm: I don’t want to spend the night in your hallway, but I will if I have to_

_2:15am: Still here <3_

_5:42am: This floor is very uncomfortable_

_7:34am: I hope you wake up soon because your neighbours are leaving for work and they keep giving me weird looks._

Elias stares at the messages in disbelief. Never in a million years would he have expected Nik to care enough to spend the night on the floor outside his apartment. Which means that maybe Elias should hear him out. Maybe he should listen to the part of his heart that still thinks _maybe_. 

He opens the door to find Nik mid-yawn, huddled against the wall and clearly stiff and exhausted. In spite of everything, Elias feels a pang of guilt for making Nik spend the night in the hallway. He doesn’t know what to do now, how to approach Nik’s sudden change of heart. If that’s really what it is. 

“Do you want some breakfast?” Elias eventually manages to say, his voice shakier than he would like. It’s a peace offering, and one Nik readily accepts. Every inch of Nik’s posture screams of relief at this small concession, and Elias is again struck by how much Nik seems to care. It goes against the mantra that’s gotten him through the past month, which he spent telling himself that Nik didn’t care and so neither should he. 

“Thank you.” Nik gives him a cautious smile, following him into the kitchen. 

“I can’t believe you slept in the hallway.” 

Nik shrugs sheepishly. “I figured you were asleep, but I was proving a point.”

“Which is?”

“That I love you, and I want to fix things.” 

“I want to believe you, but even if you mean it, what’s to stop you from changing your mind again? I don’t understand what changed, besides almost getting traded.” 

“Almost?” Nik echoes. Elias busies himself with making the omelette. 

“It fell through at the last minute.” Elias isn’t ready to admit that he stopped it from happening. 

Nik drums his fingers idly on the counter. “Because of you?” He sounds so hopeful, Elias almost says yes. But he doesn’t want Nik to think that everything will be forgiven, because that isn’t the case. 

“What changed, Nik?” 

“My feelings didn’t change. I know I said otherwise, and I understand if you don’t believe me yet, but I fell in love with you a year ago. I think the realization had been coming for a while, but today my dad called me for the first time in god knows how long, and I just knew. Eva told him I picked my career over my soulmate, and he said he was proud of me. That he and I are alike.”

“You are _nothing_ like him,” Elias says vehemently. 

“I know. Then he said I would see things his way when I was older and had a family of my own with a nice Russian girl who understands that hockey comes first. And I realized that that would never happen, because the only person I would ever want is you. So I told him that.” 

There’s a few seconds of loaded silence as Elias takes this in. Then his mouth is on Nik’s and Nik is being pinned to the fridge, like Elias is afraid that Nik will disappear if he lets go. He gasps in surprise and Elias pulls back, looking unsure for the few seconds it takes Nik to free his hands and pull Elias closer. 

They kiss until the burning omelette can’t be ignored any longer. It’s completely incinerated, the frying pan likely a lost cause as well. 

“I’m still mad,” Elias cautions as he throws the whole frying pan into the trash. “And I’m not sure I trust you, yet. But I want to.” 

Nik can’t control or predict how the rest of his career plays out, or whether he and Elias will remain on the same team. But he does know one thing: he is never, ever going to let Elias doubt Nik’s feelings for him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, more should be up soon! Comments mean the world to me <3


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